Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Enjoyed ...

"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary" from the Alchemist.

Since last Thursday I was so bored then began to realize that I am much more calm and relaxed, and I decided to look at the bright side and write about what I enjoyed when I was obliged to stay at home doing nothing at all … there were some negative things as well but I want to keep my eye on the positive aspects.
So here it is , I enjoyed:
1- Reading (I read the Alchemist and it's fascinating)
2- Watching TV. ( I keep on flipping the channels till I can find anything bearable and I just watch it without complaining).
3- Sitting with my mom and granny and having nice and funny conversations.
4- Getting the calls of my friends who are calling me every day to check on me, as I am not ready yet for the visits.
5- The rain, as it rained yesterday and today as well and it made me feel as if it's still winter (I LOVE WINTER).
6- Sitting in the living room with the window opened so that I can see the sky till the sun sets (it's a little bit gray today but it doesn't matter, still enjoyable).
7- Turning my cellular phone off till 5:30to avoid any business calls. As my close friends call me on the land line or after six.
8- Today I was able to perform the prayers without having to sit.
9- Waking up any time I want (that's a real good one).
10- Having the chance to think about whether to move or not from my department as the alternative is not very encouraging.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Zero Risk !

I have been home since Thursday, as I woke up at 4AM with a severe pain in my foot. My mom got up to pray and I called for her and told her that there is something wrong with my foot. I tried to walk and I couldn't. I remained on pain killers taking a tablet every four hours, still my stomach couldn't take it any more.
We called the doctor and he wasn't in Cairo, he gave me an antibiotic and a stronger pain killer and an anti-inflammatory till he sees me on Friday.
I went on Friday and it turned out I have an infection in the tissues of my foot in two parts of the foot one of them is serious and it's causing the swell , temperature and requires an antibiotic. And he ordered me to rest and avoid the pressure for a week.
I sent H (Dept. Admin Assistant) an SMS telling her that I won't be able to walk for a week and will send her a scanned copy of my medical report so she can send it to the HR to let them be informed that it's not an absence. And to inform O and S as well.
What did I get : first I have to clarify that the sms I sent started with "good morning" and a lot of "Please" and "Thanks". She replied "send me your passwords" yes that was the reply !. she didn't even mention why.
Then a friend of mine from work called me and told me that she told O and he made a strange face as if he doesn't believe !
Then … she told me that H called her and asked if I am really sick !.
Finally she told me that O sent her an email with a presentation and some charts telling her "ask Nesreen to develop the same for the other brands". !
I am really mad and surprised, why did they assume I am lying, I am not a liar and they know that quite well. Or are they insensitive to that extent.
I don't need to prove it to them although the medical report is enough.
Anyways, thank god for everything … if they think that way I believe that shows who they are not who I am.
I don't know why would anyone think that way, If I have any doubt about anything that can hurt someone's feelings or add up to his/her problems I would personally go for zero risk and keep the good faith.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Don't judge ..THINK!

This post is so greatly influenced by Doshar posts.

I was so moved by reading the part that "Muslims will never try to cheat…" . it's the need to hear a positive yet a factual thing about Muslims, through the hurricane of criticism and misjudgment mixed with ignorance that we have been suffering from.

We are not the only ones, seems that there has been a new trend that I haven't personally heard of till its consequences are witnessed. That every person has to have someone or let's say a group depends on who represents them to hate, despise and revolt, So the discrimination depends on nationality, religion or race and it is getting outrageous.

People will be judged by god INDIVIDUALLY. Each and every person will be responsible for his/her own action. And there is no disparity between people based on their look, language or color. What should we learn anything from that ???

I shouldn't be walking with this feeling of guilt or shame that a Muslim or an Arab has drifted and encountered a misdeed. Who did that was a weak or a corrupted HUMAN BEING. It should be viewed that way.

People no longer think, and don't even tend to act, they are rather on the reactive side, and because of this lame state they have so much energy that their reaction is seldom fueled with that can overflow and cause even more vigorous and violent mess, yes MESS… that's what they cause and destruction most of the time.

Not to mention the popular game of mixing cards, that when they put a ruthless sick criminal with an honest person who fights for his rights or freedom under one category…. That's not acceptable !

What I felt was as if I was imprisoned and kept saying "I am innocent, Muslims are truthful and honest, Muslims are not murderers and not terrorists, Muslims are peaceful, compassionate and respect other's religions and beliefs… " and no body seems to be hearing anything and I lost hope that they can get to know who we really are and then … something sparkled all of a sudden without being expected "Muslims will never try to cheat…".

So if you are questioning "Do we really care" yes we DO care, it's not just an image that we have to keep, it's much bigger and deeper and it's actually used against us.
Who would save a man if he was falsely convicted of being a ruthless killer or a terrorist while he is not. And, moreover we don't have the creditability to defend him.
It’s just one reason but the list is too long.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Is it spring or what :)

Alone in the garden, just like this bird in the pond

Seemed to me that I had to go for something I love and get a little indulged to regain the balance that has recently trembled because of the new "Have to do" list.

Yesterday I was very keen to finalize all the outstanding tasks and reports. So I can have today off. Had the camera with me and I managed to get done with my work at 5 sharp to leave the office to somewhere … I wasn't sure where to.
I wasn't ready for long distance driving and I was looking for somewhere peaceful that I can enjoy. Thought of two places; the first one was a garden I know, it's not a park and some people don't even notice as it's surrounded by small bushes and trees but I couldn't help noticing the amazing old trees.
The other place was a big horse stable that I have never been too … but since I have this admiration for horses and how noble they are … wanted to have some photos of them.
Finally went for the first option, I took my camera and began to hunt for a capture. There were some people looking at me very curiously that made me uncomfortable at first then I forgot about them.
Kept on walking around the garden to find where the fence ends, till I found a way.
I entered there and that was it… I was in a whole other world, I forgot about the people, how I look in high heals and yet inside a garden with a camera, the damp grass that can be slippery.
Was a little afraid first as I could hear the sound of frogs, but the flowers were so beautiful and one time I approached and was adjusting my camera mode then I heard another sound of something moving very close that I don't know till now what was it, I got scared and left the spot I was in. I also wanted to shoot the bird that is here in the picture and I couldn't get any nearer so it can notice and fly, I stood there without moving at all and zoomed in. it's not an artistic one but I loved it.
I don't know exactly how long I stayed in the garden, totally lost track of time, under the spell of nature and colors.
Came home with lots of pictures, downloaded them and I noticed that the ones I took when I first arrived were all out of focus, seems I was still uncomfortable and afraid that my hands were not steady. Then things went better.
Spent the rest of the evening reviewing and editing the pictures, still have this feeling that I am all alone in this garden, with the birds, flowers, ponds … it was like a dream.
I then uploaded one of the pictures on Usefilm and I got positive critique, it has been some while since I have uploaded anything on the site and I be this eager to know how the other photographers think and seek feedback.
Thank god I am so much better.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Need a push!

What has come into me, I became so lazy these days… it’s not that I am frustrated or anything on the contrary, I have the motivation and yet I am not moving.

May be I need a push, not sure which kind of a push do I need but I can’t get myself to do anything for me… things mean a lot when it’s done for another person other than myself, that’s a push for me.

Last Saturday, I went shopping with my mother because she wanted to and was bored so I took her, we had a nice time and guess what I bought myself some stuff too so
apparently I needed it but didn’t realize it.

Went yesterday for lunch with some friends at work (not from my dept.) I enjoyed it but I was silent all the time, that’s strange …. I am a talkative person. I was really happy the weather was beautiful yesterday and I enjoyed the food and the coffee.

A similar incident happened with a friend of mine, I knew she had something to tell me and I didn’t answer the phone, I felt guilty after that as I wasn’t there when she needed me, the best I could do is I sent her sms and telling her to log on and we talked on the msn.

I am more patient now than I used to be, learned some of the rules of the waiting game. I like to try new things but I don’t like to be on my own so whenever I feel I am, I just lose interest and a voice comes from within myself saying “Abort…” .

I don’t like this state, and I didn’t want it to be noticeable, but seems it is… the office boy came to me just few minutes ago and asked “do u need anything”, I said “I guess u r busy, I would like some tea with milk when you can” . he made it in no time and came back asking if I am ok. They think I am upset because O has moved, may be I am… may be it was the push I needed to move it and do something for myself other than sitting still waiting and day dreaming. Don’t think so …

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Stop using me ...

Still two hours to go but I am so desperately need this working day to end and I go home.
Yesterday was hectic too and the only way out is to run away …
I don’t want to answer the phone because it will be another request to be added to my to do list and watch it getting bigger and bigger and see the papers, reports and other printed materials cluttering in front of me that I feel I look like the cartoon character of a that miserable employee that is almost invisible because of the stuff on his desk.
What made things worse is that S came to me this morning and began with … Nesrina, you know you are expert in “Nite” - it’s a software. And I need you to do the following, there was no room for me to say “I am busy or have other things that I am doing” as she continued, it’s required for the region and extremely import and by the way we need them ASAP and I trust no one but you to do these reports. The thing is I discovered that they have nothing to do with “Nite” she only gave me her work to do… :I
If she needs help, why didn’t she address it in that way, that I don’t feel I am obliged to do the work of someone else and I have no one to turn too as my boss has moved.
Yesterday a very similar situation happened with the GM… he asked about the market shares for our company vs the competition from 2000 till YTD. And of course he didn’t give me the chance to say a word. … come on he’s the GM… I have to leave everything and start with what just has popped in his mind. Luckily I had the data from 1998, I just had to search for the file and update the data.
I don’t like it when I feel that someone is using his authority to make me miserable by asking for things that would delay me.
Why are all their requests urgent and have to be done on the spot. you management team know nothing about time management and we do pay for that, it really makes me laugh when I say I need enough time to get the stuff done properly and they give me that "manage your time and prioritize your tasks".
It' Thursday, I don't want to be late.. .yes I don't have plans as I am tired and I will be a bad sleepy company but I need to go home.
Now back to work!

Monday, March 06, 2006

I am Tagged!

Dear Nermeena,

For the first time I write a name next to Dear ... and it's also the first time I am being tagged, thanks sweetie... and here are my answers:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Live in peace, with the people that I love and be loved by them.

What is your greatest fear?

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I can say she is a role model, Fatima the daughter of prophet Mohammed (SAAW) and the wife of Aly Ibn Aby Taleb. Above all her qualities … for the kind of supporting and loving wife she has been and a daughter she was.

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

What is your greatest extravagance?
Shopping for clothes.

On what occasion do you lie?
When I try not to hurt someone’s feelings

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Nothing thank god, I just wish I had green eyes or hazel eyes :)

Which living person do you most despise?
Those who kill Iraqi’s and Palestinians.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
When talking to my dad… 7abiby, my mom: Merci because she is always doing things for us. at work: perfect and hayel.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I am being loved by my family and friends

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be ?
No one, for me life is so tough to be lived twice.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jane Austin

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
The knights we used to read about or see in movies; noble, courageous and fights for people.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Where would you like to live?
A quiet place nearby the sea

What is your most marked characteristic?
I am simple, smart and a sarcastic person, I am also an optimistic and I do have a deep appreciation for life and people.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

What is your greatest regret?
My inability to show my real feelings

What OR Who is the greatest love of your life?
I believe, He hasn’t showed up yet… but someday my prince will come :)

How would you like to die?
Praying or reciting Koran

Thanks again,

Saturday, March 04, 2006

It's Groundhog day…

Dear ...

Two years ago, I had an interview to move to the marketing department, I was asked about my future plans and I said, I don't think I will still be an employee at a company after ten years, I want to teach… but I am gaining experience and see what is like to be here, hoping that it provides me with a background and insights that makes me a good unconventional teacher that makes learning an experience and a life style not just words ad theories kept for some while and dumped totally after the exams.

And now when I wake up everyday as the alarm rings I can almost hear a sound that says "It's Groundhog day" remember that movie … days are the same.

Same people, same attitude, same place, I don't find it any difficult now to predict their reactions or even the conversations as they are repeated ones.

No one has noticed it but this job has been draining, I am not the same, I am de-motivated and I do the tasks because I have to, not because there is any pleasure what so ever in doing them.

There has been another movie that tells a story about a teenage girl who had to work so she pretended to be a grown up and faked her identity. They believed her at a company and hired her and she did a very good job. That's what I have been doing for five years, except for the fraud part J .

I always feel I am playing a role of an efficient, serious and a hard working employee because deep down I knew it's not going to last, I considered myself undercover for some research reasons, or to expose myself to a broader environment so that when I get back to where I belong, I don't feel I missed a thing.

So where do I belong? well … I am responsible but I am very far from being a punctual employee if I was granted the opportunity, BTW I always arrive late at work but just because they view my as a very good employee, they don't really complain. I am moody I like painting, photography, reading and writing, I love music … used to play piano but not any more.

I also love teaching … all these things I find myself in … if I was to re-plan my life I would rather work as a part-time teacher and leave myself the space to enjoy my hobbies and may be utilize them and start a project of my own that fulfils my fascination for creativity, design interacting with people in a humanistic beneficial way.

My sister and I had the dream of having a book store that offers value as well as quality service to people … make them love and appreciate reading and learning.

I am just a disciplined person who doesn't permit herself to fail. And for that I missed all these learning experienced that I could have leaned from failing and screwing up, not to mention the pressure to keep things steady or the fear of letting go of the daily stable routine and go and give my dreams a shot.

Hope one day I wake up to find a brand new day.


Friday, March 03, 2006


Dear ...

Grab a color pallet and a sheet of paper and learn about the colors … learn about life.

There is no absolute RED, BLACK, BLUE or WHITE … there are tones, degrees, mixtures or nuance.

There are degrees for every feeling and thought we came across, and the distinction is not always that significant.

Competition for instance; provides a kind of a motivational power that can push and drive. but watch out … when concentrated or you get carried away with, a new shade starts to come over the original color, and results in a whole new color….JEALOUSY. And the nature of the moving power you used to enjoy turns to be a negative one that holds or destructs.

Love is another example; in itself … it is a very balanced mixture of colors, any dilution or concentration, affects the formula and jeopardize the existence of the one pure color it used to be.

The magic of it ideally comes from the way the fusion of the colors occur, with certain tones and shades that unify and form a whole new solid color.

The intensity of the feelings resembles the gradation of the colors, we need every now and then to step back, pour all the colors on a white sheet and see which colors have faded, which ones we need to reinforce or mitigate. Feel their temperature and alter the necessary adjustments.

I had always this passion for the colors and if I can see and assign a color for a lot of intangibles. so it's like there is a color code for everything ,,, examples:

Love and Happiness are white
Haltered is Black
Dreams have a light blue base color, and the real one differs according to the dream nature.
Fantasies are pink
Hope and peace are green (they have the same color… may be because peace has always been a hope).
Jealousy is yellow (I know very conventional).
Fury and excitement are red. (may be because of their intensity).
Sadness is dark blue.
Anxiety is orange.

There is a quote I used to love about artists that I do value a lot and I consider painting as a privilege in that sense …

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures".


Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I let me down


As always I left the car registration renewal task till the very last minute and since I couldn’t take today off, my mother went to have it done for me. So I have a mixed feelings of guilt and gratefulness I feel towards her I have another problem.

My work is located in a remote area and all the employees have their rides.
I am not mean but I am really mad and that’s why I will going to say that; for a long time I used to drive my friend and colleague S to her home EVERYDAY till she got her car.

And even there is a new girl that I discovered by coincidence that she resides near by doesn’t have a car so I drive her too, and I call her everyday to ask if she’s ready to leave or shall I wait.

N once saw me doing that and asked “ do you drive her everyday?” with great astonished and I went like “yeah, she doesn’t have a car “. She replied back “ frankly speaking, I can’t do that…. Sometimes I am just not in a mood to talk and I like to drive alone without saying a word”.

I didn’t like what she said because she didn’t think about the other girl, what she is going to do, didn’t realize that the weather is cold and she can’t walk all the way till she finds a cab.

I won’t be judgmental and call it selfishness, but didn’t it just crossed her mind what the other girl would feel.

Today, I am facing this situation, it has passed 5:30 and I am still in the office.
S is too busy and has been weird since this morning, as she thinks I am going to take her place, weird thinking as if she doesn’t know me AT ALL. and N, I know her opinion about the whole thing.
I am feeling so bad and I just can’t go and ask anyone else, everybody asks for things … what am I afraid of, it can’t get any worse and yet I am still here writing about it.

The thing I hate the most is to let anyone down and what pops in my mind if I am being asked for anything is the fear I might not be able to be of help.
But how ironic, I let me down with this lame shyness and pride.