It's Groundhog day…
Dear ...
Two years ago, I had an interview to move to the marketing department, I was asked about my future plans and I said, I don't think I will still be an employee at a company after ten years, I want to teach… but I am gaining experience and see what is like to be here, hoping that it provides me with a background and insights that makes me a good unconventional teacher that makes learning an experience and a life style not just words ad theories kept for some while and dumped totally after the exams.
And now when I wake up everyday as the alarm rings I can almost hear a sound that says "It's Groundhog day" remember that movie … days are the same.
Same people, same attitude, same place, I don't find it any difficult now to predict their reactions or even the conversations as they are repeated ones.
No one has noticed it but this job has been draining, I am not the same, I am de-motivated and I do the tasks because I have to, not because there is any pleasure what so ever in doing them.
There has been another movie that tells a story about a teenage girl who had to work so she pretended to be a grown up and faked her identity. They believed her at a company and hired her and she did a very good job. That's what I have been doing for five years, except for the fraud part J .
I always feel I am playing a role of an efficient, serious and a hard working employee because deep down I knew it's not going to last, I considered myself undercover for some research reasons, or to expose myself to a broader environment so that when I get back to where I belong, I don't feel I missed a thing.
So where do I belong? well … I am responsible but I am very far from being a punctual employee if I was granted the opportunity, BTW I always arrive late at work but just because they view my as a very good employee, they don't really complain. I am moody I like painting, photography, reading and writing, I love music … used to play piano but not any more.
I also love teaching … all these things I find myself in … if I was to re-plan my life I would rather work as a part-time teacher and leave myself the space to enjoy my hobbies and may be utilize them and start a project of my own that fulfils my fascination for creativity, design interacting with people in a humanistic beneficial way.
My sister and I had the dream of having a book store that offers value as well as quality service to people … make them love and appreciate reading and learning.
I am just a disciplined person who doesn't permit herself to fail. And for that I missed all these learning experienced that I could have leaned from failing and screwing up, not to mention the pressure to keep things steady or the fear of letting go of the daily stable routine and go and give my dreams a shot.
Hope one day I wake up to find a brand new day.
Your,
Two years ago, I had an interview to move to the marketing department, I was asked about my future plans and I said, I don't think I will still be an employee at a company after ten years, I want to teach… but I am gaining experience and see what is like to be here, hoping that it provides me with a background and insights that makes me a good unconventional teacher that makes learning an experience and a life style not just words ad theories kept for some while and dumped totally after the exams.
And now when I wake up everyday as the alarm rings I can almost hear a sound that says "It's Groundhog day" remember that movie … days are the same.
Same people, same attitude, same place, I don't find it any difficult now to predict their reactions or even the conversations as they are repeated ones.
No one has noticed it but this job has been draining, I am not the same, I am de-motivated and I do the tasks because I have to, not because there is any pleasure what so ever in doing them.
There has been another movie that tells a story about a teenage girl who had to work so she pretended to be a grown up and faked her identity. They believed her at a company and hired her and she did a very good job. That's what I have been doing for five years, except for the fraud part J .
I always feel I am playing a role of an efficient, serious and a hard working employee because deep down I knew it's not going to last, I considered myself undercover for some research reasons, or to expose myself to a broader environment so that when I get back to where I belong, I don't feel I missed a thing.
So where do I belong? well … I am responsible but I am very far from being a punctual employee if I was granted the opportunity, BTW I always arrive late at work but just because they view my as a very good employee, they don't really complain. I am moody I like painting, photography, reading and writing, I love music … used to play piano but not any more.
I also love teaching … all these things I find myself in … if I was to re-plan my life I would rather work as a part-time teacher and leave myself the space to enjoy my hobbies and may be utilize them and start a project of my own that fulfils my fascination for creativity, design interacting with people in a humanistic beneficial way.
My sister and I had the dream of having a book store that offers value as well as quality service to people … make them love and appreciate reading and learning.
I am just a disciplined person who doesn't permit herself to fail. And for that I missed all these learning experienced that I could have leaned from failing and screwing up, not to mention the pressure to keep things steady or the fear of letting go of the daily stable routine and go and give my dreams a shot.
Hope one day I wake up to find a brand new day.
Your,
posted by Nesrina @ 4:59 AM
13 Comments:
At 3:41 AM,
Rain said…
I feel u r talking about me!!! Even same hobbies,I used to draw , but i didn't join fine arts because i didn't want drawing to be a task or a means of earning money...
I always wished to learn playing the piano.. teaching wasn't exactly my dream , rather guiding children to know what they want to be when they grow up...anything that's supposed to help others in any way , even as a psychologist :).
P.S :
I usually go to work late too... i have no reason for waking up early..except that lately i try to force myself to come on time just for the sake of being punctual.
At 4:23 AM,
Nesrina said…
The sad thing for both of us that we now use the words "Used to" it's something that we used to love and we still do but no longer practiced...
There are two instruments I like the most Piano and Violin but I never thought I can learn Violin, don't know why.
when I think about teaching, I would love to deal with adults other than children, I am more mature with adults, and the other problem with children that I love them soooo much that the emotional interference won't be for their best interest, I can spoil them :) as I can't see a sad child.
I try too to be punctual, hope it works.
At 11:05 AM,
The new kid in the blogger said…
hi you both made feel happy about the fact that my work allows me to go late, and I do have contact with young students as I teach in an university and I enjoy playing in young people minds. but I share with you the word used too as use it a lot too. I just want to say to you both that it is never too late to catch up I stopped writing years ago but now I am back and trying to catch up all the fun I missed so it is never too late to start all over. here is egypt we value the years so much we always says that dont waste a year of your life although we dont value time at all and we waste minutes and hours every day doing nothing. you are young and motivated by your dreams, go get if you dont no one will do it for you , and even if it didnt work at least you will have the honour of trying. I am sorry I talk to much but hope you got what I want to say have a nice evening
At 11:09 PM,
Rain said…
I understand , but the thing is having the courage to take a risk or accept changes...it's maybe the need to feel secure is more important than pursuing dreams...i always think "what is gonna happen after doing what i want? will i be happy?" stuff like that.
I'm also afraid of another thing , that my rebelion now is only temporary , it's gonna fade away just like other feelings.
I know for sure that if i took the decision of changing everything then i MUST delete from my memory everything that happened b4 so that i won't regret it and act as if it's the first trial.
At 5:24 AM,
Nesrina said…
Thanks NK,
You are lucky teaching in a university, it's a dream to me.
Glad you resumed writing and no you didn't talk too much :).
I always leave very long comments.
Rain,
I could feel how afraid you are of trying to change the stable life you have becasue it's how I feel too... but I decided to try to change it bit by bit till I acquire a new one that I want.
Thanks my friend so much... you said what I wanted to say :)
At 3:05 AM,
Me said…
I've been teaching part time for 3 years and I can tell you I absolutely love it!
If you really feel you want to teach ya Nesreen, you should give it a try and see how it goes... Maybe you could even start as a volunteer in some mosque/Daar/NGO that has classes to help people... this should help you see where you stand and make up your mind a little inshAllah... Rabena m3aki
At 3:15 AM,
Nesrina said…
That's what I am trying to do ME.
And I am actually trying to look for a part time jon so it leaves me some time to start my MBA isA that I have been delaying for years.
Thanks ya gameela so much.
At 7:17 AM,
Unknown said…
Hi!
Remember me? I used to be Samuel once... ok I'm still Samuel (I'm not with an identity crises) but I changed to my usual profile name.
Sorry bugging you again but once i have visit your blog I couldn't be away from your words anymore. It's the most healthy drug I ever met. :)
I can't express myself to show you how we have things in common, at least, by the things you have been writing.
When I read this post I feel that I shouldn't be quiet and "fingered" shut and should write something about it.
I think that I will reapeat sometings that new kid in the block already said but, in this case, I think it's not too much.
At first, I advice you to not let you go in that way of de-motivation. When you want to wake up and to get off of it, it will be too late. It's very important that we find something in what we believe on everything we do... even if it is not what we really wanted to... even if the only reason is to make the things perfectly because we want to!
That feeling of giving ourself totaly to do something in what we can be prouded of, can also feed the strenght to jump to other aims, to other lifes, to a more fulfilment way of being ... of being aLIVE.
Secondly, if you really think that you can be happier doing something different you are wasting your time now. I know want I am talking about because I already passed throw it (at least twice - "oh such a stupid guy" you're thinking - yes, a little... :) ...the doctor said that there was nothing to do about it... :))). When we fight for something in what we believe, when we reach that stage, we just see how fools we were and we would be if we didn't "jumped to the sun" (Zora Neale Hurston)... jumped to a better place, a better life. We just have to jump,... may be very high, yes, but higher we will be our life if we do that.
When I was 15, I never thoutht that I could ever play the guitar... I tried... I'm not any Mark Knowfler, but surely is enough for what I wanted to. Last month, I closed my eyes when I sign my first pack of Piano lessons... Someday I would like to get a Post High Graduation... why someday, why not now? I'm at the 2nd year.
I didn't mean that you have to leave all behind right tomorrow, but it's something that can be started constructing right now. Your brand day can be already expecting you right in front of you door's eyes.
I'm sorry being so boring... and so long......... I would like to post something about your deferred confession but I don't know if you let me to and I'm not prepared to talk about it yet too.
I hope sincerly that, when your brand new day has come, you can happily "jump to the sun" and LIVE!
At 7:20 AM,
Unknown said…
Hi!
Remember me? I used to be Samuel once... ok I'm still Samuel (I'm not with an identity crises) but I changed to my usual profile name.
Sorry bugging you again but once i have visit your blog I couldn't be away from your words anymore. It's the most healthy drug I ever met. :)
I can't express myself to show you how we have things in common, at least, by the things you have been writing.
When I read this post I feel that I shouldn't be quiet and "fingered" shut and should write something about it.
I think that I will reapeat sometings that new kid in the block already said but, in this case, I think it's not too much.
At first, I advice you to not let you go in that way of de-motivation. When you want to wake up and to get off of it, it will be too late. It's very important that we find something in what we believe on everything we do... even if it is not what we really wanted to... even if the only reason is to make the things perfectly because we want to!
That feeling of giving ourself totaly to do something in what we can be prouded of, can also feed the strenght to jump to other aims, to other lifes, to a more fulfilment way of being ... of being aLIVE.
Secondly, if you really think that you can be happier doing something different you are wasting your time now. I know want I am talking about because I already passed throw it (at least twice - "oh such a stupid guy" you're thinking - yes, a little... :) ...the doctor said that there was nothing to do about it... :))). When we fight for something in what we believe, when we reach that stage, we just see how fools we were and we would be if we didn't "jumped to the sun" (Zora Neale Hurston)... jumped to a better place, a better life. We just have to jump,... may be very high, yes, but higher we will be our life if we do that.
When I was 15, I never thoutht that I could ever play the guitar... I tried... I'm not any Mark Knowfler, but surely is enough for what I wanted to. Last month, I closed my eyes when I sign my first pack of Piano lessons... Someday I would like to get a Post High Graduation... why someday, why not now? I'm at the 2nd year.
I didn't mean that you have to leave all behind right tomorrow, but it's something that can be started constructing right now. Your brand day can be already expecting you right in front of you door's eyes.
I'm sorry being so boring... and so long......... I would like to post something about your deferred confession but I don't know if you let me to and I'm not prepared to talk about it yet too.
I hope sincerly that, when your brand new day has come, you can happily "jump to the sun" and LIVE!
At 4:06 AM,
MoonLightShadow said…
Umm.. so, it's not only me in this endless dilemma. Both of you Nesrina and Rain are talking about me!
I have the same passion for teaching, and I had the chance to teach in a university, but I didn't. Up till this moment I wonder why I didn't.
Had the same idea of teaching in an NGO, but I feared responsibility. I'll be responsible for them, what if I failed?! I won't feel good about myself.
At 6:54 AM,
Me said…
Moon,
And what if you succeed? How whould you feel about yourself? Think of it that way and go for it!
At 6:42 AM,
Nesrina said…
Emlino,
Thanks for your comment and opinion, and I have to tell u I do agree with you totally.
But the problem is I am living a life that I can describe as stable and jeopardizing this stability has its cost that I am not sure I can bear.
So I am taking it step by step till I can do what I really want and I am doing my best to consider this as a learning experience so that I don't feel I am just wasting my time.
BTW, I bought a guitar 7 or 8 years ago and I discovered that it's not what I actually wanted, I still have it and it's so dear to me although I can't play it :).
Still my love for the piano and it's soft yet firm sound of it.
Don't apologize, you are welcomed to leave comments, and as for the deferred confessions, go ahead ... the worst part was writing it :) and admitting it.
I am sure there will be a brand new day but may be I still have to work to earn it :)
At 6:45 AM,
Nesrina said…
Hey Moon,
Join the club :). why didn't u accept to teach at the university... it's my dream. anyways ma3lesh but don't do that again.
The NGOs seems like a very good idea as Me said.
Me,
I know u were writing for Moon, bas I liked ur approach ... and I will also think of it ur positive way :)
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