Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Please don't...

Dear …

Don’t say something unless you really mean it , because if you don’t’
… that a lie.
Don’t say will talk later to end the conversation and never call, because
… that’s also a lie.
Don’t answer the question if you don’t want to because if you do …
--- you will lie.
Hiding things is pretty much acceptable, at least
--- it’s better than a lie
Don’t try to impress me if I am not that important to lie, don’t make me
--- live a lie.
I have heard a lot of promises and you now what
… most of them were all lies.
Even the eyes that I thought they can never lie,
--- they did lie.
When you hear “I will never forget you” don’t believe it,
--- that a big lie.
A sugar coated truth can be essential sometimes,
… but it’s not an excuse to lie.
Trust is something that is built over time and needs a sincere effort to be maintained,
--- but it can collapse by a small lie.
I know that nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but one thing that I can not really tolerate
… a lie.

That doesn’t mean I don’t lie, as a matter of fact I used to lie, thought that the small and minor lies won’t heart anyone. but I was so wrong, they drag with them series of lies until you find you are tired of trying to protect this lie from being uncovered and protecting your image by making up stories, until you no longer be able of distinguishing which is true or real and which is fake and discovering that the one whom you are lying to is yourself… i.

There are people who are seriously addicted to lies, it becomes a habit, and I discovered a very interesting fact about that …which is they lie to save themselves the explanation or to skip a conversation and may be the fear of losing someone or something… but eventually they will surrender and get used to the handling things the easier way..

You know what feels really sad …. these lies ruined a lot of beautiful relationship not only because the trust has fallen apart but also because when the attempt to keep concealing your lie doesn’t work , the only way out is to walk away or break up …

It’s not easy to come all of a sudden and tell someone, I am sorry I lied to you and here is the truth …, although it’s the best and the most dignified way to reconstruct the crashed and collapsed trust.
I used to think that .. Men can forget but don’t forgive & women can forgive but they don’t forget.
In all cases, lies really do hurt … please don’t lie.


Sunday, November 27, 2005


Dear ...

When I was young I have always wanted to grow up, dreamt of waking up one day and find myself became an adult.
And when I finished high school and started to prepare my papers and forms for the college. I couldn’t really wait to see how my life is going to change in just one year after being a college student and meet those cool guys.
But what happened is that the year has passed and yes my life has changed, made friends , went out with them … but three more year have also flew.
And found that what I has wished for has come true… I am a grown up and I am about to graduate; the dream that I have waited for has come true but It’s about to end because unlike my friends I enjoyed being a student more than being eager to work… so the dream for me was coming to an end.
I tried to make the dream last a little longer … that’s what I thought back then, and I was in real denial that these beautiful days are about to be over.
I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, didn’t attend the prom, then I heard that there will be courses that to be held at the college premise. And as it’s my only chance to continue going to the place that I loved, I was thrilled at first then I began to realize that the place is changing, the people I used to see are no longer there and some other people have invaded the place and took our seats and the friends I used to have … all gone, they began to work and some of them get married...
I told myself to get real, get myself a job and explore what my new life will going to be.
I had a very tough time trying to understand people and I was annoyed by the fact that they were all old, where did the people my age go ? I can’t deal with those people and they are treating me like a kid.
By the time I got used to this life and some more years have passed and I am not the youngest at work anymore…
And now I discovered that the time I spent waiting for my dream to come true has been the happiest for me…
And I believe that I haven’t been greedy enough and had many hopes and dreams, that’s would have made things much different…
I am not saying that waiting is the only thing I am willing to do to achieve my dreams … it goes without saying that we have to work for it but the dreams/hopes fuel you and get you where you want to be.
I have been asked lately .. where do I see myself in five years, couldn’t answer… because it was a friend who asked and didn’t want to lie, if I was in an interview I would have made something up and I know I can… but the only thing that came to my mind …couldn’t say it.
So I guess I have ran out of dreams and I am in a severe need of thinking of others.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad,but it's the middle that counts the most. " it’s a quote from Hope Floats Movie but it’s very true.


Saturday, November 19, 2005

Security will always be No. 1

One more question from "The book of questions"…

What do you most strive for in your life: Accomplishment, security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something else?

My answer is : Security.
But if I have option of selecting all of the above but putting them n order according to their importance, I would say…

Security, love, something else, accomplishment, power and excitement.
Why is that… here is why,

1-Security: It's actually a need, a basic one to me … I can't love when I am scared.
2-Love: it doesn't require any effort but the tolerance to wait is what it takes to have it, and don't look for it otherwise you will never know if it's real or it's an illusion, when the time comes it just shows up, knocks at your door and enters.
3-Something else: two things… Justice& Peace.
4-Accomplishments: it results from achieving pre set goals, and I have to admit that what I have achieved till now (education and work) belong to the duties category not goals or objectives.
5-Power: I am not a control freak, never will be… but at the same time I can't accept to be lead by someone less qualified, the mental power is what matters the most not the muscle power, and it can't be given, it's already granted from god to those who can really use it.
6-Excitement: here comes the difference… I would like to replace it with happiness, it suits me more, I don't even like surprises. There all violent or let's say strong feelings that I do avoid … excitement is one of them.

Is this order making any sense… I am not sure, but the no.1 choice (Security) can never be changed for me at least.


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The perfect evening

Dear ...

I ran into a simple but interesting question in a book called “The book of questions” , the question was “ what constitute a perfect evening… well
For me a perfect evening or a perfect night can be as follows:

Location : anywhere by the sea (a chalet for instance..)
Atmosphere: peaceful, quiet place , chilly weather (hot drinks MUST be available).
Lighting: soft lighting, candle light will be charming.
Company: family or friends but I should have a space to be alone if I want…
Music: Piano pieces or soft music
Food: Lebanese is the most preferable.(open buffet with nothing but appetizers).
Equipments: boats mainly, and a camera.
Activities: walking by the beach, reading, talking if I am in the talkative mood or relaxing.
Duration: It can start from 6 or 7PM until dawn so that I can pray elfagr and go to sleep.
Forbidden items: TVs, cell phones, smoke, cars, noise of any sort, fights, quarrels.

You know what it’s not that easy answering this question and I am sure I haven’t mentioned a lot of things but I can’t recall them now… but just thinking about that perfect night has boosted my mood :).


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Admit it…

Dear …

I have always been pretending that people’s opinion is something that I do consider without really be obsessed with and even more sometimes I say I don’t care.
But that is not true I guess…, I do care a lot about how people see, my image is so important and to be more precise, there are certain aspects that I am very keen to keep a positive image of and other aspects that are beyond my control I leave them to people’s judgment (how I look, my overall style, sense of humor,… I don’t exert an effort as I don’t want to be someone else and some flows are acceptable since e are not meant to be perfect)

Sometimes I do things specially and deliberately to please or satisfy others, of course I don’t do that to any one only the ones that I care about like family and friends but still and the big is they are human beings they can’t be always satisfied and they don’t always perceive things correctly, even myself I am very moody and the things that can make me happy one time can change significantly depending on the situation, timing ,…

So it really hearts to find that the image that you have always been trying to support and the person you were trying to be is misunderstood and judged accordingly.
For instance, during the school and college phase I used to dress in a casual yet conservative way, used to have a lot of friends and hang out in large groups without giving any one a special attention, used also to attend some lectures and skip other not to look like a nerd and at the same time, study so hard because I didn’t want to look in front of my parents as irresponsible.
Afterwards I started working… and up till now I am very eager to minimize my mistakes and put much effort in what I am doing, and what I am presenting hoping to see a certain look at my boss’s face and receive a positive feedback from the management.
It also happens with my friends .. the process of getting someone a present is very exhausting for me and the question of “what if she/he doesn’t like it …” always haunts me.

I know I have a problem, but I have been in denial but I think it’s about time that I admit as a first step that there is a problem then may be I can work it out.


Sunday, November 13, 2005

A poem I love...

Dear ...

I have just discovered that my twin sister likes the same peom that I love and that doesn't really happen a lot :). and what amazes me that she doesn't either know why she loves it...

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure,
how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek and o'er the brow So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent.

"Where thoughts serenely sweet express .... " I just lOVE this verse.


Tuesday, November 08, 2005



Supposedly , as you get older you get to know, understand, realize and perceive things in a better way, have the ability to see things differently, analyze what is going on, derive conclusions and develop the flexibility of understanding that people are different so you learn to accept their way of thinking, culture, background…
As opposed to that, I was able to grasp some of the above , but the confusion has been amplified and the contradictions that I have been exposed to has risen to higher levels I must say.

I am not trying to pretend I am mature enough and it’s not either an attempt to qualify myself to judge things or people… because I am not and no one is , I hate being judgmental, only god judges that it’s totally fair because simply god is the only one who knows everything and we don’t .
All I know now and trying to abide by is what is right or wrong from a religious perspective, try to obey the rules as much as I can.

But apart from that the right/ wrong , beautiful/ugly, good/bad , love/hate, shyness/lameness … are very confusing, in certain situations these contradictions seem the same to me, that really scares me , when the opposites are distinctive enough for everyone but me !
Words do have certain definition for me but many for others, I don’t see why would you say something that you don’t mean.

Had a conversation this morning, useful one as it made me ask “do I love myself” the answer was ... I can’t say lOVE may be I am ok with myself … I have a lot of people in my life that I do love but I have never thought about myself, I’m not sure if I am right or wrong but let me explain how I feel, we are created in a way that we don’t see ourselves we only see others, so I don’t even see myself , I am not even in the picture.

Love is sharing it needs more than one party to formulate and needs some more than that to develop ,,, even the soul mates concept … when it comes to love there are whole other terms that can be used , but what I am sure of is that the word ”I” does not exist amongest them neither do “you” or “them” , there are no boundaries or restrictions moreover no names … feelings are not tangible.

Again I don’t know if I make any sense but I feel much better now just saying that. I am not yet finished … will continue later.

Yours very truly ,