Inner Talks/ babble

I am not in a good mood these days and my head is stuffed with so many thoughts most of them are actually nonsense…

I thought of writing them to clear my head and my heart in order to get rid of that negativity, I am not even sure if I will publish that babble or just keep it as a draft.
How do I start? ,,, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I blame myself for all the things that I couldn’t be, in my high points I feel it’s not my fault and convert them into a push and a challenge, but at my weak moments … I just wonder and wish… wish I was braver, smarter, prettier, had a better job and position, doing more for my family, more active, less shy, less sensitive, less proud, more sociable, more powerful to make a difference, …

Sometimes I feel sad for all the things that I thought I could be when I was young and I couldn’t, feel disappointed.
Of course I do thank god for the life I am living and for all his blesses. And I know it sounds a very egoistic but deep inside I feel distinguishes and special, but when I think about it…no what makes me any of that.

I am also have this intensity in everything I do, may be that’s the problem?
I am average everything, not super in any but when I do anything I seek its perfection, when I love, when I work, when I even go shopping… so I go to extremes and it seems weird and understandable.

Talking about weakness makes me more emotional but relieving.
I need to cry, not because there is something wrong, but I know it will take that burden off me, and will make me feel so much better… but I can’t.
Even crying is too much for me to do.