Thursday, January 18, 2007

Inner Talks/ babble

I am not in a good mood these days and my head is stuffed with so many thoughts most of them are actually nonsense…

I thought of writing them to clear my head and my heart in order to get rid of that negativity, I am not even sure if I will publish that babble or just keep it as a draft.
How do I start? ,,, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I blame myself for all the things that I couldn’t be, in my high points I feel it’s not my fault and convert them into a push and a challenge, but at my weak moments … I just wonder and wish… wish I was braver, smarter, prettier, had a better job and position, doing more for my family, more active, less shy, less sensitive, less proud, more sociable, more powerful to make a difference, …

Sometimes I feel sad for all the things that I thought I could be when I was young and I couldn’t, feel disappointed.
Of course I do thank god for the life I am living and for all his blesses. And I know it sounds a very egoistic but deep inside I feel distinguishes and special, but when I think about it…no what makes me any of that.

I am also have this intensity in everything I do, may be that’s the problem?
I am average everything, not super in any but when I do anything I seek its perfection, when I love, when I work, when I even go shopping… so I go to extremes and it seems weird and understandable.

Talking about weakness makes me more emotional but relieving.
I need to cry, not because there is something wrong, but I know it will take that burden off me, and will make me feel so much better… but I can’t.
Even crying is too much for me to do.

8 Comments:

  • At 7:20 AM, Blogger Lasto-adri *Blue* said…

    u said exactly when i was struggling to say for sometime ya nesrine...

    sometimes, no,, all the times.. crying is the best thing, yet the hardest to do...

    rabna m3aki w yhdeki w yray7 albek,, amen :)

    shine on girl

     
  • At 2:31 PM, Anonymous youssef said…

    Nesrin .. alow me to share also this babble with u .. forgive me as when i write this i was not too much concentrating on the ideas flow or anything .. i just wrote what came across my mind ..





    U know.

    I got this feeling a lot..

    Once, I was praying el 3esha in a mosque outside Egypt, and when el sheikh starts do3a after el

    Salah, i cried as if something was putting pressure on my soul for so so long..

    I, many times, tried to cry but, no use.. Could not..

    But this time was very strange i cried for those so many years i could not cry during!


    I was told (by friends ) I’m from the seeking-perfection type, and I believe, that this could not considered as a

    Virtue ... it brings sadness into Ur life, coz Ur always posing to people with the "veto" attitude

    .. i'm always rejecting and objecting things and the dangerous thing about this that rejection can

    be turned out to be a habit after sometime .. U/i become very professional in discovering mistakes

    but a very little action to do the right thing .. Still we prefer to do the easiest thing (discovering flaws and not correcting it..)

    We know or think we know, but what after...

    I always think I can't break into people's lives just like this, which result in building walls

    between me and them, and then i wonder why is it always there is a barrier between me and the

    others?
    I know about their mistakes.. I can live with it.. But i can't forgive them for doing it.. i

    believe we r superior creatures .. got the whole control and the will to do things.. Some do the

    right thing.. Others just screw up withtheir lives and affect negatively the others’ lives too..

    always afraid from saying " U r a liar.. ur wrong" unless someone demanded it :) I know we r all

    wrong . then what ... we r not perfect ... and for sure i do mistakes .. alot indeed .. so can't i

    forgive people for this exact reason? .. i'm just like them .. May be i done lesser mistakes..
    i think i can't forgive myself.. that's why i can't, also, forgive the others ...
    I'm trapped over here .. feeling guilty all time .. always talking to the-inner-i if i did so and

    so, things would have been better in a way ..

    it is not always about being polite, sincere, and respectful, ..
    It always needs some sort of being flattering, maneuvering, playing tricks all the time, and not

    being straight .. humanity does not love being straight ..

    I can understand this, as u can't find it interesting to know someone from the very start.. Shortcuts do not exist for the worthy thing..ppl believe in this ... contradiction?


    youssef


    --------
    Through a fog of contradiction
    Out to the lake of tears
    See society admiring it’s own reflection
    Chase a light that shines and disappears
    Careful what you say ’cos reality offends
    Just sit back and let your soul decay
    -------
    -------
    A day without me ... I started a landslide in my ego..Look from the outside..To the world I left

    behind ...
    -------

    -------
    We don't Understand - We see, hear, talk, yet we don't understand one another.
    -------


    -------
    The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
    -------


    -------
    "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"

    "Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken."
    -------

     
  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Emory said…

    As I read your last post, Veiled = Rejected I wanted to comment. After some thought, I decided not too. I am a man, a westerner, and someone who has not chosen Islam as my spiritual path, so I did not think it appropriate. BUT ....

    As I thought about it, I decided not to speak, but instead to listen for understanding. I learned more about the Hijab, Islam, and a Muslim ladys struggle from that post than any other piece I have read, seen, or listened too. Yes, you made a difference. "more powerful to make a difference" I think you make a difference in many lives, without ever knowing it.

    It is not just that post though. It is not just the beautiful way you write, or the wonderful thoughts you convey. It is the entirety of your postings that give me a image of a noble, and distinguished person. You may wonder why you feel special and distinguished, but for those of us who read your posts.... we know very well.

    Intensity is a virtue, not a vice. I do not want to live a life without passion.

    Your job -- Well there is always another job, so keep searching and applying for the position you want. I mean someone will get the position, I don't see why that person shouldn't be you ... right?

    Nope ... I think you are great, I wouldn't change a thing. Well, maybe pride, but I struggle with that one myself, and have not seen it in your writing.

    Hope you feel better .. you really should you know.

     
  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger Nesrina said…

    Blue,
    It wasn't said saying it though.
    Many thanks and hope things get better for both of us dear.

    Youssef,
    I do relate to your words and I am so grateful for sharing your sincere thoughts with me.
    I have cried too at the prayers not once but so many times.

    And it's easy to get weary
    As you fight to get it done

    Gainst a popular theory
    That it's over 'fore it's even begun

    Strain the limit of compassion
    Tend a wound that never mends

    And honesty still out of fashion
    As a century ends

    Emory,
    About commenting, you are most welcomed to say your opinion ,it's always beneficial to see things from different angles.
    I am glad you listened first, I am a listener too, and I do respect opposing opinions and I try to learn from them.
    Your comment made me feel better already, it meant a lot to me and I am sooooooooo thankful for your kindness and thoughtfulness...
    Many thanks for your amazingly supportive words.

     
  • At 1:42 AM, Blogger Hechkok said…

    Wow I enjoyed reading your inner thoughts and the comments written on it very much , wonderful.

     
  • At 5:43 AM, Blogger Nesrina said…

    I enjoyed too the comments of the wonderful supportive blog friends that I have been privileged with including yours tab3an.

     
  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger ahmad hussameldin said…

    nesrin ,just let me tell you one thing ,,your inner talks are mostly my inner talks ,and close to z toughts of anyone who may still be real humane and still feel for ,, in kind of days we living,,
    lots of conflicts inside of us,,and inner talks and long discussions,,but really you express it in avery clever and touching way,it just pushed me to write something like apoem after i read your post called wa7ed men enas,.good for you,, and for us too,itis really ajoy to enjoy reading your decent thoughts,,and aslo what youssef said was so impressive,frnak and spontaneous,, thank you guys all,

     
  • At 12:53 AM, Blogger Nesrina said…

    Ahmad,
    I am the one who should really say thanks to all of you wonderful bloggers and friends.

     

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